dellac's blog: Gone...

My (almost total) disappearance 5 years ago from posting here in the lily forum was directly related to creating a FB account for connecting with even more Lilium hybridists around the world. I was never, ever going to have a FB account.... Ever. But. Lorn - the wonderful, kind and inspiring Lorn - persuaded that there was a whole world of lily folk out there, and I would enjoy connecting with these dedicated fanatics. He was right. I feel teary now, but I will save my gratitude for having known Lorn for another time when I can do those memories justice.

FB. For all its flaws as a platform, it gives something. It prompts remembering, for one thing. It recalls things for us. Today, it provided a 'memory' (3 pictures) from 5 years ago. Which is how I know I've been 'gone' that long, or else the blur would never resolve into figures. It's a lily I grew some time ago from seed, and one I liked. But looking at the old pics now, I realise I didn't appreciate it enough. I love it - the subtle colour, the architecture - but it is gone. It disappeared somewhere in a garden that I began and since have all but abandoned. There have been too many gardens and too many lilies, left behind and left to the fates. Lilies which to me are expressions of art; created but random; synergies of intent and chance. They have been my life's work. My longest thread.

In a way it is ok that they appeared and were nurtured, cherished and enjoyed for a finite time. In a way. In another way, I would have liked to have valued them more, and not just their memory. I would have liked to have sustained them. I would have liked to see them at their fullest potential. Share them. Feel warm in recognition of them. I would have liked to have developed them. But I let them go. FB reminds me, damnit FB. There's another one I lost. As though my will to fight for my creative offspring were somehow deficient. There's something about loss that triggers guilt. I wonder is this universal? There are other ways to see it and other ways to feel. But sometimes the Big Feels are failure. Loss. I think this is a challenge to the child's reasoning: "If I value something enough, I won't lose it", and inversely, "If I lose it, I didn't value it enough". But we do. Both hold value and experience loss. Despite longing. Truth is, things get gone. Stay gone.

I'm glad more than ever for images.

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