gingin's blog: Journey

<p>On Saturday Sept. 1, when I got to the hospital it was lunch time. Bill's nurse brought me a tray too. He didn't look so good and only barely picked at his food. I started to head home around 3:30 as Richard our dear friend and dog sitter was at the house again. Well, my jeep wouldn't start so not having my brain engaged, I went back to the nurses station on Bill's floor. The great flood started down my cheeks and his nurse said I could NOT go in his room in tears. She got in touch with a maintenance man to see if he could help. The nurse was going to let me use her car to run get an RX at Walmart that I had left to refill...how cool is that?? Anyway, no luck with the jeep...deceided it was the battery. Called Richard and asked him to load up Dixie (the "problem child" of our 4) and come get me...said I'd be in Bill's room...so back in the hospital I go. Now it's dinner time...his nurse brought me a tray saying it was an "extra" and insisted that I eat. Richard arrived, we visited for a few..not long as Dixie was locked in the truck. Bill looked awful when we left. Maybe I should not have gone back to his room?? but I figured if I had to wait, I might as well wait with him. Didn't get home until a bit after 8.</p>
<p>Sunday Sept. 2 Richard came over, we loaded up Dixie and headed to Panama City for a new battery and then to Chipley. New battery and success. We locked Dix in the jeep with the AC running full blast and poked in to see Bill for a few. Richard was going to stay and visit, but Bill said NO in case I had trouble on the way home, so off we went.</p>
<p>Monday Sept. 3 I didn't go to see Bill, but we talked several times on the phone...he sounded good in spite of one of his IVs comming out...took about 45 mins. to start a new one. He got a shot of morphine for headachs and fell asleep a happy camper.</p>
<p>Tuesday Sept. 4  Richard came over once again to ride heard on the dogs and I headed off to see Bill. His doc told him to tell me to bring him some fries as his sodium level was low...no problem. Since he told his nurse I was on the way she ordered me a tray and saved it till I got there. It was GOOD and I made a happy plate. Bill looked good and actually ate some of his fries. Still having big trouble getting his BP where they are happy with it as well as the heart rate. When I was fixin' to leave he had another episode with the BP dropping too low, so I waited. When it was looking better I headed out. On the way, Bill's doc took me aside and put cards on the table BIG TIME. Saw his CT scan...such a mess. Tumur is huge and so much spread to the lymph nodes and chest wall. In doc's opinion, no light at the end of the tunnel. Now he is saying likely 3 months insted of 6. If Bill opts for agressive treatment it "might" gain him another 2 or 3 weeks only since there is so much other stuff going on. Bill also said if it came down to it to put him on a ventilator which I know he REALLY doesn't want. Told the doc as much and also that I was against it if no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. He said ok...if it came down to it he would not be aggresive. I so feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place knowing that Bill would NOT want to be kept alive on machines, but also realizing that he truely doesn't know or is unwilling to accept how VERY sick he is. I don't know what to say to him that won't  make me sound like an uncareing bitch. I don't want him to go through a bunch of stuff that in the end won't help. I'm overwhelmed and tired.</p>

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