katiebear's blog: LOOKING BACK, TEARY WITH OLD STUPID HAIRBALLS

Posted on Jan 12, 2022 6:45 PM

Sometimes the blindness/stupidity of my parents still hits me. I was in college, barely hanging on at the college they were sure would be better for me than the one I wanted (they never admitted a mistake) and Mom and Barbara were literally trying to kill each other, strangling each other while falling down a flight of stairs and dad would call me to please come home and then tell me I was supposed to make things all better. And he was the attorney general of the damn state. Alternated with lectures saying if he remained Ok we would be all right but if anything happened to him we were all doomed.

Recovering from a quick and chilly trip to San Diego. Stomach aches and brain fog. Minor progression on things I may be able to do in a day or two or three.

FB post about a dog who will be on the street if not adopted. Gave Twink a good breakfast which she promptly puked up on my bed. Sugar is back; Oso is gone.

Sometime the memory of my father and his endless neediness pops up. What kind of a "responsible" adult dumps crap like that on an 18-yr-old who is barely hanging on? A very needy one. Thoughts up partly as I'm thinking of how to deal with an acquaintance who is a judge and has been increasingly abusive towards me for years. Another "how can he possibly be this selfish/stupid" situation which I have accepted passively even when it literally makes me sick. He's been on my mind a lot lately and not in a good way. I'm wondering if he has died.

The cold weather has driven many mice inside. I have on living in my bedroom; mostly on my desk. It peeks around the computer every so often.

"It was just your karma" says Amma. Let it go.

Maybe I should write about when I kicked my grandmother. I remember Elizabeth laughing and cheering when I told her about it. I still felt bad. The problem with the kind of abuse that I dealt with is that somone was always telling me how awful I was no matter how many of the others' rules I was following. If I'd known what she wanted maybe I could have complied. No, probably not, just my old guilt-giver kicking in again. Cruelity upon cruelity - adult level nastiness - then give me a hug and a kiss goodbye. I only wish I had kicked her harder. Both my parents were there; my mother was holding me as I sobbed - big broken-hearted sobs - I wanted to die - and neiother of them said a word to her. It was not in any way normal behavior for me I was a broken-hearted little kid and they said nothing I remember holding a little girl whose mother had just broken another promise, one she had sworn never to d o. Little girl cried and cried a teacher came in and tried to get her to stop. I said no, leave her alone. Sometimes it's release and I'm glad I was there. Poor kid - sent off to another in an endless trail of foster homes while her mother said "it's never this complicated in other counties."

time to feed whatever dogs are here. Why did they never feel that I got enough criticism. As long as they get fed dogs are happy. I should stick to dog-think.

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