Hi Della,
It's nice to hear from you again. I feel your sadness over the losses and can empathise with the sense of guilt. I think, to some degree, it is universal; I expect most people will, at some point in their lives, wonder if there was more they could have done or thought "if only..." in regards to something they value. Of course, the more sentimental amongst us will often feel this more often. There's also those of us who have, for one reason or another, the feeling of external expectation that they won't fail and so judge themselves against this perceived standard of near-perfection. There's then the sense of guilt that one didn't live up to the idealised version of themselves or worse, if it's a plant or something from a friend or family member, that they've let them down by failing to get it to thrive (and often that friend or family member has no expectation in that regard!).
Personally I find the flip side of this coin of loss and guilt is frustration. Frustration that sometimes one cannot have done any better; that despite all one's efforts, that prized seedling or other treasured momento is lost to the pages of history. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I cannot do everything; I cannot provide the optimal conditions for every plant, or spend enough time on everything that is important. One has limited time and resources and it is always a juggling act to try to balance those as best we can. Sometimes we drop a ball or two (or occasionally the whole lot!) but the key is that we keep going; we pick ourselves and what balls we can back up and do our best.
I think one could easily go down the rabbit hole of an existential crisis with this train of thought if one isn't careful. Nothing in this world is permanent; it's what we do with it and the time we are given that matters.
I am not typically one to add a religious element to my conversation unprompted (especially on a forum where I am not in a face-to-face conversation), but I felt this passage and poem were appropriate. I hope they provide you with the reassurance that they do me.
"The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever." (Isaiah 40:8 NKJV)
Time
Minutes past are minutes gone,
part of a past eternity.
Minutes future thou hast none,
their coming hath no certainty.
Minutes present are thine own,
be wise and use them for God alone.
(Author Unknown)
