I know... it just frustrates me is all. Honestly, I wish it didn't frustrate me as much as it does. But yes, it is what it is.

It's only cause it was my distraction when I was feeling really down.

I do understand. And am sorry to have sounded harsh.

TK ~ Just keep moving forward You are moving in a positive direction.

Thanks

Grumpy today because I didn't sleep well again cause of the chest pains. Wish my appointment wasn't Wednesday. I can't find a comfortable way to lay that doesn't cause stabbing pains.

I considered trying the hospital again, but based on my experiences with hospitals, they won't do anything. They'll likely give me painkillers again and send me on my way. I've tried the painkillers they gave me last time, chewing aspirin, ice packs, heat pads, topicals... Nothing's providing any relief.

Just thinking about a scene in "Hope Fl;oats" when Gena roland says to her daughter - (paraphrased) Do you think life goes on forever giving you chance after chance?

I'm having a very bad day. Not from pain; I simply can't move. Anita is here and brought me coffee. I often feel better later in the day.

Thinking of some of the seriously ungrateful people I've had in my life and my inability to confront them - or to do it "right."

I have no suggestions or advice. Pain sucks and tends to overwhelm anything else that is going on.

All I can say is - you are not alone.

Just a guess, but thinking a lot of the aches and pains will be gone when you get out of the toxic environment.

I kind of wondered if my pains are from stress. I do have a heart condition that tends to flare from stress. Though I didn't consider it much because it's largely improved over the years. Enough that my cardiologist took me off my medication for it. But I have to wonder now if all the recent chaos and dad taking digs is causing it...

He took another dig at me today. Another sentimental stab. He's pushing me to my limit.

I talked to K about possibly mailing some of my stuff out there early. So it'll be waiting for me once the move's figured out. Anything to get the ball rolling and make things easier when the time comes.

I'm targetting August at the latest for getting papers done and the immigration process started. If my parents' sell our building sooner, then I'll start sooner. Or, if their target house sells and I have my affairs in order. But that's my rough plan. To give me some time to tie up loose ends here. I mostly just need to get packed and get adjusted to my new med. It's a few month process to get up to the dose I need. Once that's established and everything's packed, I'm good to go. Then it's just finding a mover, finding someone to move my car (though I have to get a recall done on it first), and getting ready to move myself. I have a transport plan ready for my pets.

TK start the immigration papers sooner vs later, I know it takes awhile.

I somehow misplaced two rooted adenium cuttings and I can't even imagine how. But life goes on and so must I

I did what I thought was a huge favor for a woman I had never met. This was a couple of months ago and I'm still both annoyed and puzzled about what happened. She had totaled her car and gotten hurt and needed a ride to her home. I was about to leave on one of my trips north and thought it would not be too much extra work to offer her help which she seriously needed I was wrong!! I delayed my trip for a day at her request to give her more time to recover. Tony did the driving to the place where we met her. The first thing she did was to ask Tony if I was a good driver. If it had registered on me at that point I probably would have immediately told her to find another ride. I didn't and things did not get better. not only gave her a ride but had left my van mostly empty so we could take the belongings that were in her car (she was moving so there was a lot of stuff).

I'm going to look again for my cuttings. I may post more about this later. Some of it is almost funny (now); some is still infuriating.

Many people have done me favors over the years, from a temporary place to live, to meals, to support when I quit drinking. I was always appreciative and expressed it. But someone how I have had in my life people who take and take, then offer up criticism and, often, stop speaking to me.

Having spent a lot of time and effort to get and maintain a reputation as a helpful person here (allbeit somewhat of a hermit) I will not talk to anyone here about this experience. She has lots of friends (she doesn't live here but travels a lot) and I really need to avoid any gossip, especially negative. I am grumpy about what happened but I'm also seriously puzzed about her behavior. I won't ask her because I don't want to start or prolong a problem but I do wonder who she thought I was and/or what she thought I was offering. She paid almost nothing towards the several hundred dollar cost of the trip but that was the least of the things which still have me nattering about it.

I may post morre later if it still bugs me but for now I'm going to garden!

Thanks for reading. I've really needed to vent.

Well that's frustrating.

My grump today is that dad was going to try to use my car to illegally dump trash in business dumpsters. Got mad at me for telling him he's not doing that (note, he took my spare key ages ago...). His reaction? "It's just a fine". Excuse me?

TK, you need to tell the NA to go pound sand.

Katie - sounds like one for the "no good deed goes unpunished" category.

I think I'm still kind of in shock. I didn't even mention the back seat driving - from a woman who had just totaled her car. II'm in the process of letting it go - I think. Frustrating that it was not in any way what I thought it would be,

Did you know her? Will you ever see her again? Sounds like if you don't, you're ahead of the game. There are asshats everywhere; time for you to forget this one and move on. She'll get hers someday.

I didn't know her but she has lots of Mexican and American friends. Also I want to keep up the tradition that people in Baja will often go to extreems to help each other. I've had desparately needed help more than once and have been helped by both Mexicans and Amerucans, I've alwways been grateful and given money - often in spite of protests -and in one case when I had no money I had some new T-shirts which I gave my helpers. Other times, American baked goods.

I need to finish with the worst part. I'll preface by saying that anyone who asks about driving in Baja is told, first and foremost -DON'T DRIVE AT NIGHT!! Most roads are barely two lanes, often with no shoulder. Big rigs are also traveling, taking up their full lane, sometimes more. And cows often are on the road at night to stay warm.

We traveled to where her belongings were (Funny, when she got in the passenger seat the first thing she did was say something aoubt the crack in my windshield. Did she think I didn't know it was there. Or maybethat we should find a glass place in the middle of nowhere and get it replaced - at my expense of course.) A friend of hers drove half an hour to help with the packing. She mentioned several times how wonderful it was of him to do this. When finally loaded it was getting to be late afternoon and we hadn't completed half the trip. She was futzing on her phone. I pointed out that it was late afternoon and we needed to get going. She snapped that she was arranging a motel for the night. Then, because she didn't like the traffic in the next twon she has us turn onto the new road - which is a four hour drive with no motels. I'm driving in the dark, more and more stressed out while she kept helpfully assuring that I had lost of room to the right - where there is no shoulder - and offered to drive, assuring me she is a good driver. I stayed to the left and lost my outside driver's mirror to big rigs. Better than going off the road into unknown territory - at night on a highway with no businesses or lights or any possiblehelp in sight. I kept driving often too far to the left -as she repeatedly reminded me - but making sure we stayed on the highway. While I was getting more and more stressed, staying on the road, avoiding big rigs, etc, she calmly asked if I wanted dinner. (We're nowhere near a restaurant of course - it's the middle of uninhabited desert.) At that point I blew and snapped that, no I didn't want dinner, I wanted to survive the drive. She was offended that I snapped at her.) After 3-5 hours of this drive we came to a town where the motel she had arrranged was. I was shot to hell and opted to sleep in my van where the packers had thankfully felt a sleeping space. In the morning I got myself together and started out of the parking lot to her room. She was waiting for me and said she was afraid I was abandoning her. I assured her that I would not do that. She offered a great motel shower but I just wanted to get on the road. Bought gas - she contributed about $25 which paid 1/4 of the cost of a new mirror and nothing towards several hundred dollars worth of gas. She did buy me a cup of coffee. After several more hours of driving on new-to-me narrow roads with no shoulders we made it to her house. A friend of hers came and helped unload her belongings. We hugged and parted amicably.

I made it to the home of my mechanic friend in Tecate and a friend of his was able to find a replacement mirror so I was once again OK to drive. When I got to La Mesa I found the license plates from her totaled car. Not knowing her address and anyway, what the hell I paid to mail them to the DMV along with her name. When I told her this she offered to reimburse me but I said forget it.

All the driving at night plus her back-seat driving exhausted me. It was a long recovery.

This has been a long rant but I will repeat - and emphasize that the first rule of riving in Mexico is -DON'T DRIVE AT NIGHT. I am still appalled that she directed me to take that route to avoid the traffic - and motels - of towns that were close on the other route (which is the one I always take when alone).

It should be obvious that we will not remain friends. I really hope she keeps all her complaints to herself - gossip kills and in many ways Baja is a small community. That's why I decided to vent here, knowing it will not become gossip fodder.

That's it. I feel better I guess . Mostly I want to be in a place where if someone else comes along and needs help which I am able to provide, I will continue to do so. I would hate to have the experience with her put me off of being willing to help when I can. I like helping. In spite of the occasional asshat.

P.S. I didn't proofread this. Pardon any mistakes.

OMG, Katie - at least you survived to tell the tale!

I just CANNOT believe the gall of some people. Karma has to be waiting in the wings.

A truly harrowing tale

What puzzles me the most is to wonder why she behaved that way. I was offering her a ride - for both herself and her belongings (lots- she had been relocating); I did not ask for compensation not even to share gas costs. Probably most difficult to deal with as it so reminded me of my ungrateful family of origin. I had similar problems dealing with AA as I got tired of cooking and serving turkeys to people who speaking to me but had lots to say ABOUT me. My spiritual advisor advised me to do service for people who appreciated the service; not me personally, but the service. If the woman to whom I gave a ride had sent up a prayer for a ride to her home for her and her things - I should have been the answer to that prayer not me personally, but I was provided exactly what she needed, without even asking her to share gas costs (whhich are high in my Yukon). But I heard much about how grateful she was to her friend who drove half an hour to help pack her belongings.

Today I've been reflecting on people I've known who have been either grateful or ungrateful. AA puts a lot of emphasis on gratitude and I used to suggest to thinkg of it as a muscle which can be exercised and nurtured, eventually overpowering things like self-pity. I'm wondering what kind of morass of self-pity was my passenger to be so ungrateful when she was getting all that she needed (including a few pain killers). It is sad.

for some unknown reason my water stopped coming out of the faucet. The hose worked and I had a couple of gallons for cooking. I was able to say - no problem Tony will fix it tomorrow. He did and I told him how nice it was to know he would be here and take care of it. Sometimes I think Tony and I are in an unspoken competition about which of us is more grateful for the other. It helps me to stay detached from memeories of angry, ungrateful members of my family of origin. (Anger and lack of gratitude as a religion.)

I feel better now.

I think you are right, she was in a morass of self pity and not fully thinking about your help. (though she seemed to have thought a lot about that other person's help.)

As very hard as that was, you only know what she expressed at the time. But you also know how much you gave. and- it helped move her away from you, right? so THAT's good.