Aug 29,2011 is the 4th anniversary of two of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. First, to be a grown-up and leave on my business trip when my heart-dog was at the vet's with an unexplained illness, and then to love her enough to let her go to the rainbow bridge three days before I could get back home to say goodbye.
I process things by writing (right, Sharon?
) and each year as the anniversary nears, I introduce a new group of people to the little girl who stole my heart, when I didn't think my heart was capable of being stolen.
So first, her tribute video. That took a year before I could even think about creating it.
Click me! (but bring tissues) It's ok, go watch the video. The rest of this can wait.
Next, my favorite photo
:hearts: (click to embiggen -- I took this about 4 months after she moved in with me)...
And finally, some of my words about her.
I never really believed in "heart dogs." Well, not for me, at least. That was for other folks, who were different from me. I was too jaded, too cautious, and had lost too many pets over the years. I knew better than to lose my heart to a dog.
As an added protection, I adopted a senior - a retired brood who was over 10 years old. I knew that I wouldn't lose my heart over a dog that might only have a couple years left to share my life... it wasn't like the bonding you'd get if the hound had been with you for 10 years, or whatever. And she was a brood mama - a very independent, strong-minded lady who wasn't the least bit needy or velcro. Just what I wanted. Two independent women living together.
So I was safe, with my heart safely locked up, secure from canine capers.
That's what I thought, anyway. I had myself pretty convinced, actually.
Then I brought Angie home.
We had 4 1/2 years together, and somewhere in that time-frame, she became entwined all through my heart and my mind. I watched her grow older, and wondered what it would be like when she was gone, and how I would go on.
We went for a wellness exam in early August, and Doc said that if we just looked at her blood work, we'd think she was a 12yr old dog, not almost 15. Three weeks later I left her with Dee as I prepared to go out of town on a business trip.
Angie waited until I was safely away, and then let Doc and Dee know that she was ready to find that rainbow bridge she'd heard so much about.
It's been almost 4 years since she left me, eased to the bridge by her original foster-mom/dog-sitter and my favorite vet. And I still cry over her loss. But like all of us, I go on. I see her face, her traits, in other greys. and I smile, remembering the love I got from an independent brood mama who learned to open her own heart, and taught me to do the same.
Angie came into my life when I went to Dee's house to adopt a black retired broodmama. As Dee was introducing me to the other dogs, she said "This one's Angela." Angie got off her dog-bed and walked over to me. I knelt down, and she looked deep into my eyes. Then she licked my chin, and went back to her dog-bed where she stayed the rest of the time I was there.
I met the dog that I had gone to adopt, and she was wonderful, but she wasn't the one for me. I had already been chosen. Angie chose me when she licked my chin.
Because she chose me,
I have experienced the adaptability of an "old" dog as she learned new tricks.
Because she chose me,
I have learned how much love I can feel for another being.
Because she chose me,
I have experienced the joy of her behavior changing over the years
from aloof to affectionate.
Because she loved me,
she adapted to unstructured routines and routine absences.
Because she loved me,
she accepted the other dogs I brought into our home,
and let them share the space in my heart.
Because I loved her,
there were new beds at Christmas, and no walks longer than her aging legs could handle.
Because I loved her,
there were nights spent on the couch with interruptions every few hours.
Because I loved her,
there were home-cooked meals and special treats, and fewer nights away from home.
Because she loved me,
she stood up for me, balancing on tired legs to show me she was ok
and I could leave on my business trip with a clear conscience.
Because I loved her, I let her go.
My heart is breaking
because I couldn't be there at the end, but it was time to let go,
and I had promised her I would,
because I loved her.
And because I loved her and she loved me,
she will run forever in my heart,
Because she chose me.
-mvy 9/1/07-
