You know you are old if....
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your biofocals.
The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.
You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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