These are hysterical!
I've been taking a different approach to the old age comedy thing. The new thing I've been doing, however, is embracing the fact I'm getting older. I figured since I can't fight age, I might as well join in the fun of it.
I've adjusted my attitude and have been enjoying the liberty to say what I want, when I want and because I want. Best of all I am now old enough to get away with being obnoxious. Nobody is going to yell at, argue with or say something mean to an 'old person'. Have you?
So my New Year's resolution has been to continue down this path of self fulfillment by keeping up my passive-aggressive behavior and continuing to drop toxic bombs of reality on the snotty, out of touch younger generations that try to 'age shame' me.
At 48, and 'old' by today's standards, I am finally realizing how obnoxious I can be and get away with it. I am also having more fun tormenting these brats then I ever have.
Here are some of the things said to me and my uncensored 'old lady' responses:
---I was at a Starbucks reading a book and a brat noticing I did not have a Kindle said, "Oh. You're reading a book. That's quaint."
Me: "Yeah, kind of like your haircut and the inability to write your name in cursive."
-31 year old single male neighbor: "I sent you a text. Did you get it?"
Me: "My home phone doesn't have texting capabilities. It does have an answering machine. If you possess the ability to communicate without using your thumbs I'm sure I'll understand that message. Better yet, since walked over here, you can tell me what you want instead of walking over to ask why I didn't get your text."
-I called a good friend's home and left a message on the machine for her in regards to confirming her teenage son was able to dog sit for me. Her son, who was home did not answer the phone. Instead of answering the phone, he texted my cellphone in response. Something to the effect of texting me back again when his mom got home. When I didn't respond back to his text he---gasp---actually called me.
My response was, "A text message? So that's what that was! I didn't understand it. I write and speak in complete sentences. Have your mom call me herself. We can communicate without using our thumbs."
-Nice younger couple moved in a few houses up the street. The gal is 27 years old, a homemaker and the mother of a new born and a 3 year old. Nice gal but she was complaining about how her kids had her exhausted and she never slept and how she always looked a mess. The conversation took a turn as to why I never had children.
Her: "At your age, aren't you sorry you never had kids? Who is going to take care of you when you're old?"
Me: "No. Why? Are you sorry you had kids? At your age, it seems nobody is taking care of you including yourself."
--Has anyone started to notice that the '70s clothing has been making a comeback over the last few years? I went shopping with a friend and her mother. Same mother of aforementioned teenage son dog sitter.
Her young daughter was all a gush about how great low rise and boot cut jeans are and how pretty the new long flowy tops with prints and how stylish those loooong full length sun dresses are.
Daughter says to me: "You need to update your wardrobe. You're not wearing what's new and in style. I don't understand why you don't want to get with today and dress younger. Why do you want to look old? "
Me: I'm glad you're into vintage clothing! I wore Hip-huggers, flared jeans, peasant tops and maxi dresses. Do you want to see some pictures of me when I was in Junior High and these clothes were new and in style?
I don't understand why young people want to dress like I did 30 years ago but I'm flattered you think my outdated clothes are stylish enough to wear today. When I'm done wearing my current wardrobe, I'll save everything for you."
-And my all time favorite was talking to my God daughter who graduated from college and complained she didn't get hired for the advanced position. She was bemoaning the unfairness of it all in that she had to take the entry level position and how wrong this was.
My response was,
"You mean they didn't give you and everyone else a "You're Hired" ribbon just because you came to the interview! That is unfair!! In the old days there were 1st place winners and 2nd, and 3rd place runner ups. Silly me. I thought this was how getting hired for a job worked.
So there's a few of my finer moments. And you know what? I feel good! This is one New Year's resolution I will continue to keep and have no difficulty doing so.
The key to getting away with it, though is to act like you're confused and don't understand what they're saying and then deliver the zinger in a perplexed and deadpan manner.
Happy New Year to all us old, antiquated, old people.
Make it a good one and lots of fun too.
AG
