Linda.. I have heard that when a dream is vivid..where details van be remembered..it Is a visitation. When it is fuzzy and you know you had a dream about so and so....but...... that's just a dream.

MISSINGROSIE said:Linda.. I have heard that when a dream is vivid..where details van be remembered..it Is a visitation. When it is fuzzy and you know you had a dream about so and so....but...... that's just a dream.

I still believe it was a visitation, not only did I smell the burgers on the BBQ but felt the breeze as we flew on that magic carpet, it was such a happy beautiful thing! I woke up really feeling like my brother dropped me back off at home and I felt so calm and serene and happy.

I am so glad for you. I have had a few "experiences" but too long to recount and well....some will think I am nutz. First time I THOUGHT I WAS NUTZ

My sis Anne passed right before Thanksgiving ..and early in wee hours of thanksgiving my son's best buddy ...killed himself. He was 37. A organic farmer with a masters in landscaping.. a carpenter, a metal smith, a screen printer, he traveled across country on a bike..he hobo'd, he had a loving mother and sister, he produced wonderful nut butters, he made fresh pasta, he acted in improv theatre, he had a degree in government, he marched for causes, he volunteered in charities, he built natural swimming "holes"where living plants and creatures existed for humans to swim with.. he liked swing dancing... he has no obituary..the police won't release his body..they don't know if he jumped onto a highway or walked in front of cars on the actual roadway..they have to figure this out don't you know ....why...I don't know.. but I thought I would tell you about him.. He had a beautiful smile..he worked hard to find his way and meaning to life.he had a steady gal..he loved Italian food..he could eat more in one sitting than any person I knew. He leaves an empty chair at our Christmas Eve table. He had lovely blue / grey eyes. His name was John

Rosie, so sorry for the losses.

My sister was 80plus and not well and she always said she never wanted to grow old.. the elderly shook her up. Really. She said living to old age was the Lord's way of making her eat humble pie.

But, I can't accept the other. I have never had an experience with suicide. I have read about its impact. It is a tidal wave and before one can surface to get a breath..another wave hits and it is back to the ground with no air... I am devastated. I cannot imagine what his mom and sister are going through. I am so mad at him and I will pray for them...it is so hurtful thinking that he was in pain and we did not know it.. how long ..and how much? I find myself wishing he had a sudden mental break... now how awful is that?

Rosie,
There are some things in this life that we cannot ever understand. This is one of them, and yes, my family has dealt with it! If it is of any comfort to you, I can only offer you my faith in God who sees and knows all things. And some day we will know all about it, but not in this life! Wishing you comfort and condolence through this terrible time.

Thank you Rj and Leon.

I believe as you do ...but I am impatient

Rosie. I feel like your sister did. Everyone in my family lives to around 95 and the last years aren't pretty or easy for anyone.
I'm so sorry to hear about John. He sounded like such a great person. There are no answers about that, and it's always so hard on everyone left.Being mad at him is part of the normal grieving.

Karen..then I have validation because I feel like wailing and spitting nails at the same time. I am also not used to confusion... because I am guilty of thinking I know it all. Yes, he was amazing ..I just thought there was plenty of time for him to know and hear that. Lesson learned. Say it now.. don't wait for a "perfect" time.

Whenever Richard Corey went down town
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown
Clean-favored and imperially slim.

He was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked,
But sill he always fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

Ans so on we worked, and waited for the light.
And went without meat and cursed the bread;
And Richard Corey, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.

Written by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Rosie, I am so sorry for your losses, of your sis, and your son's best friend John, my deepest condolences to yours and John's families.

Thank Margaret.

Katie that song...you know that the last verse STILL has those who envied Richard Cory still wishing they were him.....strange ...

I think the last verse is written in the past tense so we know they are left wondering if they were (past tense) right to envy him. It does speak to the idea of walking in another person's mental shoes.

That poem is one of the only ones that really impressed me, and I can recite it word for word even though I learned it more than 50 years ago! Memorization was a big part of my schooling. It doesn't seem like they do that anymore.

Rosie, your feelings are normal. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Yes, hug all your loved ones and let them know you love and appreciate them. It's horrible when these things happen so suddenly.

plantmanager said: Rosie. I feel like your sister did. Everyone in my family lives to around 95 and the last years aren't pretty or easy for anyone.
I'm so sorry to hear about John. He sounded like such a great person. There are no answers about that, and it's always so hard on everyone left.Being mad at him is part of the normal grieving.

Rosie: Ditto to what Plantmanager said.
You never know but some commit suicide because they do not want to go through the misery of age or they have a condition that may or may not hit them when they get old and simply do not want to deal with it.
That is one of the reasons I do not go to doctor, other than I am pretty healthy.
I have seen to many people go to a doctor and the doctor tells them that there is a good chance for a, b or q and they stop living and start simply existing.

John certainly was doing good things in his life, it sounds like he was well accomplished and likely to everyone would not seem like a man who would end his life. I am so sad to hear this sad news Rosie It must of been a complete shock to everyone.

Rosie I am so sorry for your losses I'll be keeping you all in my prayers. I don't understand what brings some people to think they have no hope at all and probably never will. Give your son some extra hugs when you see him

That is just it. He was full of life ..a deep thinker for sure

You know that day his car broke down ..my son had gone hiking with him the day before and all was well..

Then he was woodworking and cut his hand badly
My son spoke to him when he was in the ER..had called him to learn if he was still planning on driving to Richmond for Thanksgiving .. he was ( no mention of the car so it must have broken down on the way from the ER)

And he never called to say he broke down...
Apparently, he chose to walk home ......it had to be 30 miles or more....this was early evening...

He ended his life at 3 am.. when he was nearly home ..at least that is when two vehicles stopped and called 911 saying they hit him..he was laying on the highway and they did not see him.

Did he just stumble while crossing the road.. did he misjudge and dart out and was hit and that car left and the others found him later ... we will never know. I just cannot believe he did this knowing his mom and sis would be devastated ..and on
Thanksgiving ,,.. on the other hand, I knew he was a troubled young boy with some psychological problems.. resolved pretty well it seemed by college... was all those activities and accomplishments attempts to cover pain..keep busy...not have too much time to think... and we all missed it..the car and the injury the last straws...

He also had quit his job three days before..was planning on going tomNorth Dakota to teach art to Native American children on the reservations.. THIS WAS NOT UNUSUAL FOR HIM... he told my son he had not discussed pay or anything ..that he wanted to do something more meaningful and would work it out when he got out there....then on the day they went hiking....he said he needed to think that plan out a bit more and would not be leaving just then. He also had given his girl a commitment ring ...

We will never know what happened. Someday...but not today..


Thank you all for your condolences and advice .. it surely does help.

This may take a while.

I am very seriously depressed.

The other day I had a long talk with my neighbor Dan. over the ten years or so she and her husband have lived here we have become pretty good friends. It was a great talk. I told her about dealing with a client who had ignored a promise she had made to me about handling a situation with her son (who was in foster care) and how, after doing that which she had promised not to do, looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "what could I do." I replied, "You could have done what you promised to do in the first place to avoid having this happen. I went to great effort to get you to agree to how you would do this. So if you want to know what you could have done, it's simple: You could have done what you promised to do." She had been pulling stuff like this on people for years and her children were paying the price. She never forgave me but went on to fool some others and continue to mess up her children. That's a story I told.

In the course of the conversation I mentioned I had not heard from Diana, a woman we both know. Dana knows I really like Dianna and I was concerned about not hearing from her. Dana offered to say something to her. I said, emphatically, no, please don't. I just wondered if you knew anything (like, maybe if Diana was sick or something).

Next day I got an email from Diana saying sorry I haven't been in touch but I just don't want to be friends with you. I lost it, started crying and forwarded the email to Dan with a note saying that I couldn't stop crying. Dana emailed back some people want to be friends, others don't, it's not a big deal. She left the next day to visit relatives in Az. for a week.

I had a miserable week, to put it mildly. I lost two people who were important to me and there is no way to get either of them back. So I'm grieving. Big time. An additional problem is that we are in a small town with a limited community of Americans. Dana and Diana are both much more sociable than I am so I've no idea what other repurcussions there will be.

Dana got back Sat. came over Sunday. I was in bed sick to my stomach so she left. I saw her later; she was going to town and asked if i needed anything. I said no. She could see I am miserable but said nothing. Just as well. Ther'es really nothing to say. The damage is done. The bell cannot be unrung and I will go on and, as they say, keep on keeping on.

I have told this at some length because I have a very strong feeling (response?) that Dana contacting Diana was her version of the client she did what she had promised not to do.

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by monsters. I am careful about who I get close to, who I confide in.

What I am doing is this: I've had individual contacts with a couple of friends here. I sent an email to my friend of forty-some years, Kramer, in San Francisco telling him I was very depressed but not suicidal We exchanged a couple of silly lines. I will not hibernate, tempting though it is to do so.

But I am clinically depressed. It has happened before and I always survive. But its' hard. I may last for months. I had a three -month depression over a broken window once. It can happen that easily and last that long.

So in addition to being hurt and depressed I am damn angry.

I needed to get this all out. The anger has really surfaced.

Not looking for advice. Just needed witnesses.

I will survive and even prevail. But right now it hurts.